Toxic relationships: recognise, cope, and break free

Relationships have the power to enrich our lives, but not all connections are healthy. Some involve ongoing emotional, psychological, or physical harm that can erode self-esteem, trust, and wellbeing over time. These are known as toxic relationships, and they can occur in both romantic partnerships and friendships. Understanding what makes a relationship toxic, how it affects us, and how to break free is critical for our mental health, personal growth, and long-term wellbeing.

What Is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is one in which one or both people consistently undermine the other’s emotional, mental, or physical wellbeing. Rather than offering mutual respect and support, toxic relationships are characterised by repeated harmful patterns that erode self-esteem, independence, and confidence.

Unlike occasional conflict, which is normal in any relationship, toxicity is persistent. It often involves complex psychological hooks, such as:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: This is a cycle where cruelty is followed by sudden affection. This unpredictability creates a “trauma bond,” making the victim hope for the “good version” of the person to return.
• The Sunk Cost Fallacy: This is the feeling that you have invested too much time or effort to leave, even when the relationship is clearly causing you harm.

Recognising Toxic Traits

In Romantic Relationships

Toxic romantic relationships often involve behaviours that repeatedly harm emotional safety. Key indicators include:

• Gaslighting: Systematically making you doubt your own perceptions, memories, or reality.
• Love Bombing: Excessive attention and “soulmate” talk early on used to create dependency before controlling behaviour begins.
• Lack of Trust and Excessive Jealousy: Persistent suspicion or questioning your interactions with others.
• Constant Criticism: Ongoing negative comments or dismissive remarks that erode self-worth.
• The “Eggshell” Effect: Feeling as though you must constantly monitor your tone and actions to avoid a partner’s volatile reaction.
• Refusal to Take Accountability: Blaming you for their behaviour or minimising the harm they cause.

In Friendships

Friendships should feel supportive and balanced. Toxic friendships often show different but equally harmful traits:

• Emotional Drain: Feeling exhausted and anxious rather than supported after spending time together.
• One-Sided Effort: You are always the one checking in or making plans, while receiving little in return.
• Boundary Violations: Disregarding your time, needs, or emotional limits even after you have expressed them.
• Competition and Negativity: Minimising your successes or shifting the focus back to themselves.

The Impacts of Toxicity

Toxic relationships can profoundly affect multiple areas of a person’s life. Prolonged stress keeps the body in a state of “fight or flight,” leading to:

• Mental and Emotional Impacts: Chronic anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and difficulty forming healthy connections in the future.
• Physical Health Impacts: Sleep disturbances, chronic fatigue, and a weakened immune system due to prolonged cortisol exposure.
• Life and Career Impacts: Impaired focus at work, difficulty making daily decisions, and isolation from supportive networks.