When you really like someone, its natural for your life to change a little. You might spend more time together, discover new interests or start thinking about another person when making decisions. But there’s a difference between growing with someone and slowly losing yourself to them.
Relationships can shape the way we see ourselves. Research suggests that being with someone can lead to positive changes, where we grow and develop, but it can also contribute to negative changes in our sense of identity. Sometimes, losing yourself happens so gradually that you don’t even notice. You stop doing certain things, see your friends less or find yourself constantly thinking about what your partner wants before asking what you want.
So, what are some of the signs?
1. You’ve Stopped Doing the Things You Used to Love
Think about who you were before the relationship. Maybe you played a sport, loved going to the gym, spent hours gaming, enjoyed getting dressed up, created content or had a hobby that was completely yours.
It’s normal for your routine to change when you start seeing someone. But if the things you once loved have slowly disappeared because your relationship takes up all of your time, it might be worth checking in with yourself.
The self-expansion model suggests that healthy relationships can introduce us to new experiences, interests and perspectives, allowing our sense of self to grow (Aron et al. 2013).
So instead of only asking whether your partner has changed you, ask yourself: Has this relationship added to who I am, or have I given up parts of myself for it?
2. You Rarely See Your Friends Without Your Partner
At the beginning of a relationship, wanting to spend loads of time together can feel completely normal. But your friendships still matter. Maybe you constantly turn down plans because you would rather see your partner. Perhaps you feel guilty going somewhere without them, or you’ve gradually stopped speaking to people you used to talk to every day.
Having a romantic partner doesn’t mean every other relationship in your life should disappear. Research into autonomy within relationships suggests that maintaining a sense of choice and individuality is important for relationship functioning and personal wellbeing (Patrick et al., 2007). Your partner can be one of the most important people in your life without becoming the only important person in it.
3. You’re Constantly Trying to Keep Them Happy
Do you find yourself thinking: ‘Will they be annoyed if I do this?’ ‘Maybe I just won’t say anything.’ ‘It’s easier if I agree.’
Compromise is completely normal in a relationship. Sometimes you’ll do what your partner wants, and sometimes they should do what you want. But constantly changing your opinions, ignoring your feelings or saying yes when you want to say no because you’re worried about upsetting them is different.
Research has linked greater autonomy in romantic relationships with healthier approaches to conflict and relationship functioning (Knee et al., 2005). Being able to disagree with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You shouldn’t have to make yourself smaller just to keep someone else happy.
4. You Don’t Know What You Want Anymore
Where do you want to go? What do you want to do this weekend? What do you want your future to look like?
If your immediate response is always ‘whatever they want’, it might be time to reconnect with your own preferences. Being part of a couple naturally means considering another person’s needs. But yours shouldn’t disappear in the process.
Research based on self-determination theory suggests that autonomy- feeling that you can make choices that reflect who you are- is associated with both personal wellbeing and healthier relationship functioning (Patrick et al., 2007)). Becoming an ‘us’ shouldn’t mean completely forgetting the ‘me’.
5. Your Confidence Depends on How They Treat You
Maybe you feel amazing when they give you attention but terrible when they seem distant. You might constantly need reassurance that they still love you, still find you attractive or aren’t going to leave. Their mood might even determine how you feel about yourself that day.
Everyone needs reassurance sometimes. Wanting affection and validation from your partner is normal.
But problems can arise when your identity becomes so closely connected to your relationship that it becomes difficult to separate your sense of self from your partner. Research has shown how strongly romantic relationships can become connected to our self-concept. Slotted, Gardner and Finkel (2010), for example, found that after a romantic breakup, people could experience reduced clarity about who they were as individuals.
Your partner can make you feel loved, but your entire sense of worth shouldn’t depend on whether they’re giving you attention that day.
6. You Feel Guilty for Having a Life Outside the Relationship
Seeing your friends. Spending a night alone. Going out without your partner. Having hobbies they aren’t involved in. None of these things mean you love your partner any less.
Having your own interests, goals and experiences can actually contribute to personal growth rather than threaten a healthy relationship. Research into self-expansion suggests that developing new experiences and capabilities can positively influence both the individual and their relationship (Aron et al., 2013).
If you feel guilty whenever you do something independently, ask yourself where that guilt is coming from. Is your partner making you feel guilty? Or have you become so used to doing everything together that independence now feels uncomfortable?
Either way, it might be time to create some space for yourself again.
Finding Yourself Again
If you recognise yourself in some of these signs, it doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is unhealthy or that you need to end it. It might simply mean that somewhere along the way, you’ve stopped making enough space for yourself.
Start small. Message the friend you haven’t seen in a while. Pick up an old hobby. Spend an evening doing something purely because you enjoy it. Think about the goals you had before the relationship and whether they still matter to you. Practise expressing your opinion instead of automatically agreeing.
Research suggests romantic relationships can result in both self-expansion and self-contraction – meaning relationships have the potential to add positive qualities to our identity but can also involve losing aspects of ourselves (Mattingly, Lewandowski and McIntyre, 2014).
Ask yourself one simple question: “Who am I outside of this relationship?” If you struggle to answer it, that doesn’t mean that person has disappeared. You might just need to make some space to find them again.
Final Thoughts
Love shouldn’t require you to become a smaller version of yourself. Relationships naturally change us. We pick up new interests, meet new people, experience different things and learn from the person we’re with. That change can be a positive part of being close to someone (Aron et al., 2013). But there should still be room for your friendships, hobbies, opinions, ambitions and boundaries.
You can love someone deeply and still have a life that belongs to you. Because being part of an “us” should never mean completely losing “you.”
References
Aron, A., Lewandowski, G.W., Mashek, D. and Aron, E.N. (2013). The self-expansion model of motivation and cognition in close relationships. In: J.A. Simpson and L. Campbell (eds.) The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships. Oxford: Oxford University Press, pp.90–115.
Knee, C.R., Lonsbary, C., Canevello, A. and Patrick, H. (2005). Self-determination and conflict in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(6), pp.997–1009.
Mattingly, B.A., Lewandowski, G.W. and McIntyre, K.P. (2014). “You make me a better/worse person”: A two-dimensional model of relationship self-change. Personal Relationships, 21(1), pp.176–190.
Patrick, H., Knee, C.R., Canevello, A. and Lonsbary, C. (2007). The role of need fulfillment in relationship functioning and well-being: A self-determination theory perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(3), pp.434–457.
Slotter, E.B., Gardner, W.L. and Finkel, E.J. (2010). Who am I without you? The influence of romantic breakup on the self-concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(2), pp.147–160.
