When people think about narcissistic relationships, they often imagine obvious manipulation, constant arguments or someone who openly believes they’re better than everyone else.
The reality is that it can often be much more subtle. Many people don’t recognise unhealthy patterns until months-or even years-later because controlling behaviours often develop gradually.
It is also important to remember that no single behaviour on its own means someone is a narcissist or has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Many people may occasionally display some of these behaviours for a variety of reasons. However, when these behaviours become persistent patterns of manipulation, control and a lack of empathy, they can be important warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Here are five early red flags, supported by research, to look out for.
1. The Relationship Moves Extremely Fast
In the beginning, they might tell you they’ve never felt this way before, call you their soulmate after only a few dates or start talking about moving in together and your future almost immediately.
This is sometimes referred to as love bombing- an overwhelming amount of affection, attention and reassurance early in a relationship.
While being excited about a new relationship is completely normal, consistently rushing emotional commitment can sometimes be an early sign of unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Research by Stark (2007) suggests that coercive and abusive relationships often begin with idealisation and intense affection before gradually developing into more controlling behaviours. Similarly, Women’s Aid (2023) highlights excessive intensity, rushing commitment and overwhelming attention as potential warning signs with coercive relationships.
2. They Gradually Test Your Boundaries
At first, the requests may seem small. They want to spend every evening together. They become upset if you don’t reply immediately. They question why you’re spending time with friends or ask you to cancel plans to see them instead.
Individually, these situations may not seem concerning. However, when they become a repeated pattern, they can slowly reduce your independence.
Research by Stark (2007) explains that coercive control often develops gradually through repeated behaviours that limit another person’s autonomy rather than through one obvious incident. The UK Home Office (2022) also describes coercive control as a pattern of behaviour designed to make someone dependent by monitoring, regulating and restricting aspects of their everyday life.
Healthy relationships respect boundaries. You should never feel guilty for having your own time, friendships or interests.
3. They Try to Distance You From Friends and Family
One of the biggest warning signs is when a partner slowly begins discouraging your relationships with other people. They might complain whenever you make plans without them. They may suggest your family doesn’t really care about you. They might make you feel guilty for spending time with friends.
Over time, this can leave you feeling increasingly isolated and emotionally dependent on the relationship.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises isolation as one of the behaviours that can form part of coercive and controlling relationships.
4. They Make You Question Your Own Feelings
When you tell them they’ve upset you, they might respond with:
‘You’re overreacting.’
‘You’re too sensitive’.
‘That never happened.’
‘You’re imagining things.’
Repeatedly dismissing someone’s emotions or denying their experiences can contribute to gaslighting, a form of psychological abuse where someone begins to doubt their own thoughts, memories or judgement.
Women’s Aid (2023) explains that gaslighting can leave victims questioning their own reality and becoming increasingly reliant on the partner. Research by Dutton and Goodman (2005) also found that psychological coercion is associated with poorer mental health, increased anxiety and lower self-esteem.
In a healthy relationship, your feelings should be listened to- even when your partner doesn’t necessarily agree with your perspective.
5. They Never Take Responsibility
Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is whether someone can acknowledge them. If every former partner was supposedly ‘crazy’, ‘toxic’ or entirely responsible for every relationship ending, it may be worth paying attention.
Research suggests that individuals with higher levels of narcissistic traits are more likely to protect their self-image by blaming others rather than accepting responsibility for problems (Campbell and Foster, 2007). Although this behaviour alone does not indicate narcissistic personality disorder, a persistent inability to take accountability can be an important warning sign within relationships.
Healthy relationships involve accountability, self-reflection and a willingness to apologise when mistakes are made.
Final Thoughts
Many unhealthy relationships don’t begin with obvious abuse. Instead, they often develop gradually through repeated patterns that slowly affect a person’s confidence, independence and sense of reality.
Learning about these early warning signs isn’t about diagnosing someone or becoming suspicious of every new relationship. It’s about recognising behaviours that repeatedly leave you feeling anxious, controlled, isolated or like you’re losing your sense of self.
If any of these experiences feel familiar, know that you’re not alone. Speaking to trusted friends, family members or a professional can help you gain perspective and understand what you’re experiencing. Everyone deserves a relationship built on mutual respect, trust and emotional safety.
References
Campbell, W.K. and Foster, C.A. (2007) ‘The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies’, in Sedikides, C. and Spencer, S.J. (eds.) The Self. New York: Psychology Press.
Dutton, M.A. and Goodman, L.A. (2005) ‘Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization’, Sex Roles, 52(11–12), pp. 743–756.
Home Office (2022) Controlling or Coercive Behaviour: Statutory Guidance Framework. London: Home Office.
Stark, E. (2007) Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University Press.
UK Government (2021) Domestic Abuse Act 2021. London: The Stationery Office.
Women’s Aid (2023) Healthy Relationships and Red Flags. Available at: https://www.womensaid.org.uk (Accessed: 23 July 2026).
Women’s Aid (2023) What is Gaslighting? Available at: https://www.womensaid.org.uk (Accessed: 23 July 2026).
