In my last blog, ‘The Cost of Codependency: Finding Yourself Again,’ I explored what codependency can look like and how becoming overly focused on other people’s needs can affect your relationship with yourself.
But recognising these patterns is only the first step. The next question is: what can you actually do about them?
Research into the lived experience of codependency has identified common themes including self-sacrifice, difficulties with boundaries and a reduced sense of identity (Bacon et al., 2020). So, rather than going back over what codependency means, here are 10 practical ways you can start challenging codependent patterns.
1. Recognise Your Own Patterns
Before you can change a behaviour, you need to notice when it’s happening.
Do you automatically say yes when you want to say no? Feel responsible when somebody is upset? Or immediately try to fix other people’s problems?
Bacon et al. (2020) found themes of control, self-sacrifice and difficulties surrounding identity among people who identified as codependent.
When you notice yourself falling into these patterns, ask: ‘What am I worried will happen if I don’t do this?’
Understanding why you’re doing something can help you begin responding differently.
2. Learn to Say No
If you’re used to putting others first, saying no can feel selfish. But you don’t need a huge explanation every time you can’t do something.
Instead of: ‘I’m really sorry, I normally would, but…’
Try: ‘I can’t do that today, but I hope you manage to sort it.’
NHS guidance highlights the importance of looking after your own mental wellbeing alongside maintaining healthy relationships (NHS, n.d.). Remember: feeling guilty about saying no doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong.
3. Stop Taking Responsibility for Other People’s Emotions
When somebody you love is upset, you might immediately think: ‘How can I fix this?’
There’s a difference between supporting someone and believing it’s your responsibility to make them happy.
You can listen, care and offer support without taking responsibility for their emotions.
NHS guidance for families affected by another person’s substance use also recognises the importance of family members receiving support themselves (NHS, n.d.). Sometimes caring about yourself means accepting that you can’t fix everything for everybody.
4. Build an Identity Outside Your Relationships
Ask yourself: Who am I outside of my relationships?
Codependent patterns can make your identity feel connected to being needed by somebody else. Research has identified difficulties with a sense of self as a feature within people’s lived experiences of codependency (Bacon et al., 2020). Go back to hobbies you’ve neglected, spend time with friends, try something new or make plans because you want to.
Your relationships can be important without becoming your entire identity.
5. Practise Small Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to involve huge confrontations.
Start small:
‘I can’t talk tonight.’
‘I’d rather not discuss that.’
‘I need some time to think about it.’
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy recognises the importance of clear boundaries within therapeutic relationships (BACP, 2023). Although professional and personal relationships are different, learning what you are comfortable with is still important.
A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else. It’s about deciding what you will and won’t accept.
6. Pause Before Helping
If your first instinct is to rescue people, practise pausing before you act.
Ask yourself:
‘Did they actually ask me to fix this?’
‘Do I have the capacity to help?’
‘Am I helping because I want to, or because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t?’
Sometimes instead of offering a solution, you could say:
‘That sounds difficult. What do you think you’re going to do?’
You can be supportive without becoming responsible.
7. Work on Your Relationship With Yourself
Your value doesn’t depend on how useful you are to somebody else. Research has found associations between higher levels of codependency and lower self-esteem, reduced feelings of control and greater self-blame (Kolenova et al., 2024).
Notice how you speak to yourself.
If somebody needs space, do you immediately think they’re leaving? If they say no, do you tell yourself you’re selfish?
Ask yourself:
‘Would I speak to my best friend this way?’
You deserve the same understanding you give other people.
8. Stop Rescuing People From Every Consequence
Maybe somebody forgets something and you always fix it. Perhaps they repeatedly make the same mistake, but you end up dealing with the consequences.
Before stepping in, ask:
‘What would happen if I let them deal with this themselves?’
Unless somebody is at genuine risk, allowing anther adult to take responsibility doesn’t mean you don’t care.
You can love someone without carrying their responsibilities for them.
9. Accept That People Might be Disappointed
Not everybody will like your boundaries. Someone might be annoyed when you say no or disappointed when you’re unavailable. But somebody being unhappy with your decision doesn’t automatically mean your decision was wrong.
NHS guidance around healthy relationships emphasises communication and looking after your own wellbeing (NHS, n.d.).
Instead of asking:
‘How do I stop them being upset with me?’
Ask:
‘Have I communicated respectfully while still considering my own needs?’
10. Know When You Need More Support
Self-help is a great starting point, but some patterns can be difficult to change alone. Research suggests that people’s experiences of codependency can be connected to earlier family and relationship experiences (Bacon et al., 2020).
Counseling can provide a space to explore where these patterns come from. The NHS (2023) describes counselling as a talking therapy that can help people explore difficulties and find their own solutions. Sometimes asking for support is part of learning that you don’t have to handle everything alone.
Final Thoughts
If you recognised yourself in my previous blog, don’t feel like you need to change everything overnight. Choose one thing from this list to start with. Practise saying no, pause before fixing someone’s problem or make one decision based on what you want. Breaking codependent patterns isn’t about caring less about other people. It’s about learning that caring for someone else shouldn’t require abandoning yourself.
Change takes time, and you may find yourself falling back into old habits occasionally. What matters is becoming more aware of your needs, recognising when you’re taking on too much responsibility for others and gradually creating healthier boundaries.
Most importantly, remember that you can still be caring, supportive and compassionate while making space for yourself too.
References
Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F. and McIntyre, A. (2020) ‘The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis’, International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18, pp. 754–771.
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) (2023) Boundaries within the counselling professions. Lutterworth: British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Kolenova, A.S. et al. (2024) ‘Self-attitude and reflection in codependent women’, Behavioral Sciences.
Molina, E. et al. (2026) ‘Co-dependency revisited: An integrative review of conceptualisation, assessment and implications for nursing practice’.
NHS (2023) Counselling. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/counselling/
NHS (n.d.) Advice for the families of people who use drugs. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/
NHS (n.d.) Maintaining healthy relationships and mental wellbeing. Every Mind Matters. Available at: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/maintaining-healthy-relationships-and-mental-wellbeing/
