How much of what you do is genuinely for you? It sounds like a simple question, but it can be surprisingly difficult to answer. We live in a world where are constantly encouraged to think about how we are perceived. How we look. What we achieve. What we own. How successful we seem. How many people like us, follow us or approve of the choices we make.
Without even realising it, our lives can begin to revolve around maintaining an image of who we think we should be. This is where the ego can take over. In psychology, the term ‘ego’ has several different meanings. However, in everyday discussions around personal growth, it is often used to describe the identity we construct around ourselves- the version of ourselves that we want other people to see. And when protecting that image becomes more important than actually being happy, we can become trapped by it.
When Your Self-Image Starts Controlling You
Most of us care what other people think to some extent. We are social beings and wanting acceptance and belonging is completely natural. The problem comes when other people’s opinions begin to determine our self-worth. You might avoid doing something you really want to do because you’re worried about what leaving would look like. You might compare your appearance, career, relationships or lifestyle to other people’s and feel as though you’re falling behind.
You can even find yourself making choices based on what will make you look happy rather than what will actually make you happy. Research into contingent self-worth suggests that when people’s self-esteem depends heavily on external areas such as appearance, approval or achievement, their wellbeing can become more vulnerable to successes and failures within those areas (Crocker & Wolfe, 2001).
When your worth depends on maintaining a particular image, you become more responsible for constantly protecting it. And that can be exhausting.
Social Media Can Make the Ego Louder
Social media has arguably made managing our self-image more difficult. For the first time, we can carefully construct a version of ourselves for hundreds or thousands of people to see. We choose the photograph, the angle, the caption and the moments worth sharing. At the same time, we are consuming carefully selected versions of everybody else’s lives.
Research has linked social comparison on social media with lower self-esteem, particularly when people compare themselves with those they perceive as doing ‘better’ than them (Vogel et al., 2014). You might know logically that someone’s Instagram or TikTok doesn’t show their entire life, but that doesn’t necessarily stop you from comparing their highlight reel with your everyday reality. Suddenly, your growth can feel less important than whether your growth looks impressive to somebody else.
You Don’t Have to Prove Yourself
One of the most freeing things we can learn is that not everybody has to understand us.
Someone can think you’re boring.
Someone can dislike your clothes.
Someone can disagree with your choices.
Someone can misunderstand you.
Someone can be more successful than you.
None of those things automatically change your value as a person. When we are heavily driven by ego and self-image, criticism can feel threatening because it challenges the identity, we have worked so hard to create. But freeing yourself from that doesn’t mean never caring what anybody thinks. Constructive feedback can help us grow and the opinions of people we trust can be valuable. It means learning the difference between listening to other people and living for other people.
Comparison Keeps Moving the Finish Line
There will almost always be somebody who appears to have more.
More money. More followers. A different body. A bigger house. A seemingly happier relationship. A more successful career.
If your definition of success is based entirely on being perceived better, eventually somebody will come along who appears to be doing better than you. Festinger’s (1954) social comparison theory proposed that people naturally evaluate themselves partly through comparison with others. Decades later, social media has given us almost unlimited opportunities to make those comparisons. The problem is that constantly measuring your life against somebody else’s can distract you from asking a much more important question:
Am I becoming someone I am proud of? Your competition doesn’t always need to be the person next to you.
Sometimes growth is simply becoming more confident than you were last year, setting a boundary you previously couldn’t set, trying something despite being scared of judgement, or finally choosing something because you want it.
Start Building Your Life From the Inside Out
Freeing yourself from the ego doesn’t mean getting rid of confidence, ambition or goals. It means questioning where the come from?
Do you want that career because it genuinely excites you, or because it sounds impressive?
Are you changing your appearance because you want to, or because you’re frightened of how other people see you?
Are you chasing success because it fulfills you, or because you want to prove something?
Are you afraid to try something because you don’t want it, or because you’re afraid of looking stupid if you fail?
Self-determination theory suggests that wellbeing is supported when people experience autonomy – feeling that their actions and choices genuinely come from themselves – alongside competence and meaningful connection with others (Ryan & Deci, 2000).
So instead of constantly asking, “What will people think?”, try asking: “What matters to me?”
Conclusion
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, feeling proud of your achievements or caring about how you present yourself. But your self-image should not become a prison that dictates how you’re allowed to live. You don’t need to win every comparison. You don’t need everybody to understand you. You don’t need to appear successful every second of your life. Some of the most meaningful growth happens quietly, without anybody applauding it.
Freeing yourself from the ego is not about suddenly becoming completely unaffected by other people’s opinions. It is about gradually becoming secure enough in yourself that those opinions no longer control your choices.
Because ultimately, your life isn’t something you need to perform for everybody else. It’s something you actually have to live.
References
Crocker, J. and Wolfe, C.T. (2001) ‘Contingencies of self-worth’, Psychological Review, 108(3), pp. 593–623.
Festinger, L. (1954) ‘A theory of social comparison processes’, Human Relations, 7(2), pp. 117–140.
Ryan, R.M. and Deci, E.L. (2000) ‘Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being’, American Psychologist, 55(1), pp. 68–78.
Vogel, E.A., Rose, J.P., Roberts, L.R. and Eckles, K. (2014) ‘Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem’, Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), pp. 206–222.
