What Learning to Love Yourself Really Looks Like

When I was 16, I thought self-love was all about bubble baths, positive affirmations or waking up every morning feeling confident. The truth is, that’s not what self-love has looked like for me. If anything, those are the kinds of things I now think of as self-care.

Learning to love yourself isn’t about thinking you’re perfect. It’s about accepting that you’re human. You’ll make mistakes, have bad days and sometimes doubt yourself, but that doesn’t make you any less worthy of kindness. Research suggests that self-compassion, rather than striving for perfection, is associated with greater psychological wellbeing and resilience (Neff, 2023; Gilbert, 2009).

For a long time, I thought loving myself meant I’d eventually stop feeling insecure. Now I realise that self-love is choosing to be kind to yourself even when those insecurities show up.

Here are some of the things I’ve learnt about what learning to love yourself really looks like.

1. It Means Talking to Yourself Like You Would a Friend

Think about how you’d respond if your best friend made a mistake. You probably wouldn’t call them a failure or tell them they’re not good enough.

Yet so many of us speak to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to someone we care about. Research by Dr Kristin Neff (2023) suggests that practicing self-compassion is linked to better emotional wellbeing, lower anxiety and greater resilience.

Studies by Macbeth & Gumley (2012) also found that people with higher levels of self-compassion are less likely to experience anxiety, depression and self-criticism.

You deserve the same kindness that you give to other people.

2. It Means Accepting That You Won’t Love Every Part of Yourself Every Day

Some days you’ll feel confident.  Other days you might criticise the way you look, question your abilities or compare yourself to everyone else. That’s normal.

For a long time, I thought loving myself meant I’d eventually reach a point where I never felt insecure again. I thought there would be a day where I’d look in the mirror and love everything I saw or feel completely confident in every situation.

The reality is, those moments still happen- and that’s okay.  Learning to love yourself doesn’t mean never having insecurities. It means recognising that those insecurities don’t define who you are or determine your worth. It’s choosing not to let one bad day or one negative thought, convince you that you’re not enough.

The Mental Health Foundation (2024) highlights that self-esteem naturally changes throughout life, especially during adolescence and youn adulthood. YoungMinds (2024) also explains that self-esteem can be influenced by many factors, including friendships, family relationships, social media and academic pressures.

Instead of aiming to love every part of yourself every single day, aim to accept yourself. Some days that might mean feeling confident, while on other days it might simply mean being a little kinder to yourself than you were yesterday.

3. It Means Setting Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

For a long time, I though saying yes to everything, made me a better person. But constantly putting everyone else’s needs before your own can leave you emotionally exhausted.

Sometimes loving yourself means saying no. It means protecting your time, your energy and your mental wellbeing.

Mind (2021) explains that setting healthy boundaries can play an important role in protecting mental health and reducing stress. The Mental Health Foundation (2024) also highlights that maintaining healthy boundaries can support emotional wellbeing and help prevent burnout.